One of my favourite quotes is by author and lecturer Maryanne Williamson. It is one of those quotes that strikes deeply and resonates to the core of my spiritual self.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I am sure many of you have heard of, or even read this quote in her book "A Return to Love" ---another book on my reading list. The reason I think this quote gets to me so much is because we so often stop ourselves from saying or doing what we truly feel in order to spare other people. I have worked hard over the years against this. I believe in diplomacy and politeness but I don't believe in walking on eggshells.
Those who know me, know where I stand on animal issues. I am an advocate of animal rights and do not use animals as a means to my own ends. I have spent many years reading and researching the works of animal rights activists, the politics of animal-human issues and have come to realize that this is the most important cause in my life. But being vegan in a non-vegan world is very challenging. Not because I have to prepare my food and read labels and pass up pizza but because I have to deal with the ignorance of people who just don't get it. Not everyone is open to hearing the brutal truth of the injustices inflicted on animals in every aspect of society; from food to entertainment, to clothes and recreational sports, animals are constantly used to provide for humans. With the advent of media tools such as the net, this information is more common but somehow it doesn't seem to compute for some--hence the reason for this post and this quote. "Your playing small does not serve the world"-- .
Monday, September 13, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Movie Review: Dark Country
I just finished watching the film "Dark Country" made in 2009, directed by and starring Thomas Jane as well as Lauren German and Ron Perlman. Being the horror movie fan that I am, I figured other amateurs of 1960's genre horror film would appreciate knowing about it. Without giving too much away, I will concentrate on the formal qualities of film technique and plot development. No worries, no spoilers ahead.
It is the classic horror newlywed/honeymoon story line: a young woman and seemingly older man have just been married in Vegas and drive across the desert to start a new life. The whole story unfolds over one night. The plot of the story begins when the couple find that they are lost and come across a car accident and a badly hurt man who they evidently pick up. The man's face is badly mangled and covered in blood, obviously setting up the audience for the horror that is about to ensue. Being that there is not much action, the movie relies heavily on the classic 60's horror genre film technique of "contre-plonger" camera angles that create the psychology of terror. Think Alfred Hitchcock meets George Romero with Bruce Campbell. While in the car the filming is done from the front of the car much like the 60's genre. The mood is dark but contemporary. The colours of the images benefit from modern technology as you don't feel frustrated by the quality of light. You can actually see the characters and the background desert while they are driving.
But we eventually see that all is not perfect with this couple. It is not the virtuous couple of the typical 50's movie marriage. By the meager conversation that develops between the half-dead man in the backseat and the wife, Gina, we find out that she was a stripper and that she and the strange man may known each other-- which she denies. The latter, coupled with a wedding in Vegas tells us Dick knows little about Gina's past. There is then arguing, accusations and a tinge of madness that develops in each of the characters that gives us clues to what will eventually unfold.
If all this setting doesn't convince you that the movie is borrowing from the genre and influences I've described, the car the director chose for his protagonist is a 1961 Dodge Dart Phoenix should be an obvious clue. At one point, Dick, the husband, now without Gina and the stranger (no spoilers!) comes across a rest station with a handful of abandoned and cobweb-filled 60's style cars. Trying to figure out where he is, he approaches an information/map sign which to his horror, is blank where the only thing written is a dot with "you are here." Ok, yes, we have seen this before but taking into consideration the genre, it is quite fitting and acceptable in this influence. He panics and drives madly down the highway and is stopped by Deputy Thompson (Ron Perlman-- of course!). The deputy is also a key element in this genre of film. He is the voice of reason within madness and is in the end the person who brings all the confusion to light. The story ends with a twilight-zone-style twist.
If you enjoy classic 50's and 60's horror/thriller type films, you will definitely enjoy "Dark Country." It has all the elements that made those films classics without being cheesy.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Feline Urinary Blockage: Our Cat Zeo and What We Have Learned.
Pets, companion animals, familiars, soul-mates, our furry four-legged friends are a blessing in our human lives. To many, they are part of our family. For us, they are our kids. Richard and I adopted 2 male black kitten brothers on July 21st of 2008. They are our little joys. This is a photo of them during the first days of their arrival:
They are such sweethearts! They are very affectionate, playful and love to greet people at the door when visitors come. They are completely black from the tips of their noses to their claws. Most people can't differentiate them but as their surrogate parents, we can. Onyx is very vocal and cuddly while Zeo is quiet and nervous. As soon as we got them at 6 weeks old, immediately Onyx became daddy's boy:
and Zeo became mama's boy:
So naturally, when we noticed (thank the gods!) that he was walking around the apartment straining all the time, we did not hesitate to call the vet as soon as they opened the next morning. Luckily, they always keep a little window open for emergencies such as this. Turns out, he had crystals blocking his urethra, a common ailment in male cats. We were given 3 choices which would all cost us dearly in either money or heartache: the first was to put him on a catheter right away, give him an an i.v. and hospitalization for 2 to 3 days; the second was to put him on pain medication and anti-inflammatory medication and send him home in the hopes that that was all he needed to pass the crystals or 3-- and one I would never consider-- to put him down. Now anyone who knows me and my husband know that we are animal people. Our 2 baby boys are our children. Who could ever think of putting down their child because they have tonsillitis or another such operatable problem? So naturally, we chose option number one. Yes, it was expensive to say the least. Like most unfortunate events, it didn't happen at a very good time either for us during the summer since my birthday was coming up on the Thursday-- and to my surprise!-- Richard had planned a surprise dinner party with many of my most cherished friends on Friday night as well as one of our famous 'couch parties' with said friends on Saturday night. Wow! I was beyond touched! Anyway, I'll get back to that a little later.
But luckily, I am off work and Richard had a week vacation which made it easier to take care of our sick little one. Zeo stayed in the hospital from Tuesday afternoon to Friday afternoon. Poor baby. He had a catheter, head cone and iv on all that time. The techs told us that he was a charm to work with. It is true. Our babies are pretty well brought up! *toots own horn* He was ready to be picked up Friday afternoon. Like us, he was so happy to be coming home. He was giving us his special nose kisses and purring as soon as the teach brought him to us. He had 2 pills to take 2 times a day and a liquid. He is now down to 2 pills a day for another week or so. The medications he is on are Clavaseptin, Metacam and Phenoxybenzamine. I am happy to report that he is doing much better now. He is using his litter box appropriately and is no longer straining.
It was an eventful week and weekend all around. We had to literally constantly follow him around the apartment because his urethra was leaking because of the inflammation and irritation. This is a lot of work. Since he had had a few accidents, we wanted to keep him our of the bedroom. Therefore, we had to also keep Onyx, his brother, out of there too or Zeo would follow and whine to be with him. Richard and I had to take turns watching him while we went to the bathroom or took our showers. If we had to leave the house, we would put them both in our spacious bathroom where they have there litter box, food and water, their cat beds and a little night-light. We did this for a good 6 months when we first adopted them, when we went to work. Being that they were 6 weeks when we got them, they needed to be in a safe, kitty-proof place when were weren't home. Since Richard works down the street, he would come home at lunch and let them out which means they were in there for 2 four-hour intervals. Anyway, since they grew up with this, they were quite comfortable being put to bed together in the bathroom. Another reason the bathroom is the perfect place--besides the fact that their litter box is permanently there-- it is a tile floor. Since Zeo was 'leaking' we were able to clean up in the morning with a mop. Since he hasn't had any accidents today, we will try to leave them loose for bed tonight. I am glad his medication seems to be finally doing it's job. We were worried Saturday morning that he may still have a problem so we took him back to the vet. Like his mom, Zeo has a bit of an anxiety problem. We have seen this during his 2 years. He is a nervous cat and jumps at the slightest sounds. Being the intelligent cat that he is, he knew he was not well and therefore that started the snow-ball effect of him straining, licking etc. So the vet prescribed a small dose of some sort of valium which we picked up at our local pharmacy. Oh boy! What a trip! The recommended dose was half a pill which we gave him Saturday night and Sunday morning. Well, Zeo looked completely drunk. He was waddling onto the bed with us and sticking his nose in our faces and letting his body fall on us all while purring wildly. His eyes were crossed and he was having trouble jumping up on the couch. He was obviously feeling good. But again, being a nervous cat, it seemed to not calm him but make him restless. He was having a hard time keeping still and sleeping. Poor thing was trying so hard to keep awake with us that his inner eye-lids were half over his eyes. Needless to say, we have discontinued this relaxant for now and he seems to be finally doing better. Phew!
Zeo and Onyx are also, now both on a prescription urinary health diet by Medical. We had our late cat Smudge on this brand for bowel health for a few years and it worked well. We are now going to be more strict with their feeding times and portions. They get fed at 7:00 am and 7:00pm, 1/4 cup of hard food and 1/4 cup of wet food each. I am glad this is working out well so far. Zeo needed to lose a couple of ounces anyway as he is an emotional eater. I had been recommended by a very good friend of mine who was a vet tech that all male cats need to be on a wet diet. I had changed their diets to include a portion of wet food a couple months before this event but the crystals must have already been forming. For those interested, the food is called "Urinary So" by Medical. You can only buy it at the vet's. It is a food specially designed for cats with feline lower urinary tract disease and cats with crystals in the urine and idiopathic cystitis. I don't know if you can just buy it without the vet's recommendation though. There are very good over-the-counter brands which you can buy at pet stores that are for urinary tract health as well.
Richard and I have always been extremely conscious of pet-food quality and always gravitated to holistic brands that have protein as their main ingredient rather than grains and rice which are used as fillers--- not for your pet's health. Also, you must watch the ash content. Ash can cause many problems in your feline companion as well as urinary infections. When Zeo and Onyx were kittens we had them on Medical's Development formula. We then switched to Dental and I wanted to find something more natural. Here is just one of many sites that gives good information about pet food: http://www.acreaturecomfort.com/cathealth.htm
and one to help you choose the best cat food:
http://www.a-house-full-of-cats.com/bestcatfood.html
In the past we have had them on Oven Baked Tradition--my favourite because it is natural and grain-free. It also kept them full much more than other brands. The only downfall was that I could only get at the Sandy Hill Pet Food Coop, so we opted on putting them on Holistic Blend which I would still use, in wet form, if Zeo had not been diagnosed with a problem we now need to prevent.
We know you are not supposed to change your pet's food often but we were forced to make concessions since our local pet store closed. Ugh. I am happy that now we can go somewhere to get their food; know they will have some in stock and it is in our local town. There is nothing more frustrating than realizing they are very nearly close to being out of food and that you have to drive all the way into town to get some. We live half and hour from the city so it is not always convenient and cost-effective to have to drive all the way up for one item. We had been trying to find a brand with a formula we could live and now we can.
I hope you have found this post informative.
There is nothing we wouldn't do for our feline children! ;)
For more information on urinary tracts disease:
http://www.marvistavet.com/html/body_feline_lower_urinary_tract_dis.html
Veterinary Exlusive Urinary So:
http://www.medi-cal.ca/diets/diets.php?diet=38
Some personally recommended grain-free, no by product cat-food:
http://www.holisticblend.com/
http://www.ovenbakedtradition.com/en/nourriture-chats.html
***Comment From Sophie B (vet tech):
Wet food is more important for male neutered cats because they don't spray like intact cats, the crystals don't get eliminated. Wet food helps by adding more water to the diet.
Medi-Cal Dental is a great diet because it helps your animal's teeth however it is high in fat compared to the other food. I would recommend using it as a treat rather than a main platter.
Ash is definitely something you want to watch out for, the less ash in the food the better. Ash is, if I recall correctly, the minerals that are incinerated to a fine powder, and whatever that remains is added to the food.
Another good option to help relieve urinary tract infections are treats with cranberries in it or a diluted cranberry juice.
They are such sweethearts! They are very affectionate, playful and love to greet people at the door when visitors come. They are completely black from the tips of their noses to their claws. Most people can't differentiate them but as their surrogate parents, we can. Onyx is very vocal and cuddly while Zeo is quiet and nervous. As soon as we got them at 6 weeks old, immediately Onyx became daddy's boy:
and Zeo became mama's boy:
So naturally, when we noticed (thank the gods!) that he was walking around the apartment straining all the time, we did not hesitate to call the vet as soon as they opened the next morning. Luckily, they always keep a little window open for emergencies such as this. Turns out, he had crystals blocking his urethra, a common ailment in male cats. We were given 3 choices which would all cost us dearly in either money or heartache: the first was to put him on a catheter right away, give him an an i.v. and hospitalization for 2 to 3 days; the second was to put him on pain medication and anti-inflammatory medication and send him home in the hopes that that was all he needed to pass the crystals or 3-- and one I would never consider-- to put him down. Now anyone who knows me and my husband know that we are animal people. Our 2 baby boys are our children. Who could ever think of putting down their child because they have tonsillitis or another such operatable problem? So naturally, we chose option number one. Yes, it was expensive to say the least. Like most unfortunate events, it didn't happen at a very good time either for us during the summer since my birthday was coming up on the Thursday-- and to my surprise!-- Richard had planned a surprise dinner party with many of my most cherished friends on Friday night as well as one of our famous 'couch parties' with said friends on Saturday night. Wow! I was beyond touched! Anyway, I'll get back to that a little later.
But luckily, I am off work and Richard had a week vacation which made it easier to take care of our sick little one. Zeo stayed in the hospital from Tuesday afternoon to Friday afternoon. Poor baby. He had a catheter, head cone and iv on all that time. The techs told us that he was a charm to work with. It is true. Our babies are pretty well brought up! *toots own horn* He was ready to be picked up Friday afternoon. Like us, he was so happy to be coming home. He was giving us his special nose kisses and purring as soon as the teach brought him to us. He had 2 pills to take 2 times a day and a liquid. He is now down to 2 pills a day for another week or so. The medications he is on are Clavaseptin, Metacam and Phenoxybenzamine. I am happy to report that he is doing much better now. He is using his litter box appropriately and is no longer straining.
It was an eventful week and weekend all around. We had to literally constantly follow him around the apartment because his urethra was leaking because of the inflammation and irritation. This is a lot of work. Since he had had a few accidents, we wanted to keep him our of the bedroom. Therefore, we had to also keep Onyx, his brother, out of there too or Zeo would follow and whine to be with him. Richard and I had to take turns watching him while we went to the bathroom or took our showers. If we had to leave the house, we would put them both in our spacious bathroom where they have there litter box, food and water, their cat beds and a little night-light. We did this for a good 6 months when we first adopted them, when we went to work. Being that they were 6 weeks when we got them, they needed to be in a safe, kitty-proof place when were weren't home. Since Richard works down the street, he would come home at lunch and let them out which means they were in there for 2 four-hour intervals. Anyway, since they grew up with this, they were quite comfortable being put to bed together in the bathroom. Another reason the bathroom is the perfect place--besides the fact that their litter box is permanently there-- it is a tile floor. Since Zeo was 'leaking' we were able to clean up in the morning with a mop. Since he hasn't had any accidents today, we will try to leave them loose for bed tonight. I am glad his medication seems to be finally doing it's job. We were worried Saturday morning that he may still have a problem so we took him back to the vet. Like his mom, Zeo has a bit of an anxiety problem. We have seen this during his 2 years. He is a nervous cat and jumps at the slightest sounds. Being the intelligent cat that he is, he knew he was not well and therefore that started the snow-ball effect of him straining, licking etc. So the vet prescribed a small dose of some sort of valium which we picked up at our local pharmacy. Oh boy! What a trip! The recommended dose was half a pill which we gave him Saturday night and Sunday morning. Well, Zeo looked completely drunk. He was waddling onto the bed with us and sticking his nose in our faces and letting his body fall on us all while purring wildly. His eyes were crossed and he was having trouble jumping up on the couch. He was obviously feeling good. But again, being a nervous cat, it seemed to not calm him but make him restless. He was having a hard time keeping still and sleeping. Poor thing was trying so hard to keep awake with us that his inner eye-lids were half over his eyes. Needless to say, we have discontinued this relaxant for now and he seems to be finally doing better. Phew!
Zeo and Onyx are also, now both on a prescription urinary health diet by Medical. We had our late cat Smudge on this brand for bowel health for a few years and it worked well. We are now going to be more strict with their feeding times and portions. They get fed at 7:00 am and 7:00pm, 1/4 cup of hard food and 1/4 cup of wet food each. I am glad this is working out well so far. Zeo needed to lose a couple of ounces anyway as he is an emotional eater. I had been recommended by a very good friend of mine who was a vet tech that all male cats need to be on a wet diet. I had changed their diets to include a portion of wet food a couple months before this event but the crystals must have already been forming. For those interested, the food is called "Urinary So" by Medical. You can only buy it at the vet's. It is a food specially designed for cats with feline lower urinary tract disease and cats with crystals in the urine and idiopathic cystitis. I don't know if you can just buy it without the vet's recommendation though. There are very good over-the-counter brands which you can buy at pet stores that are for urinary tract health as well.
Richard and I have always been extremely conscious of pet-food quality and always gravitated to holistic brands that have protein as their main ingredient rather than grains and rice which are used as fillers--- not for your pet's health. Also, you must watch the ash content. Ash can cause many problems in your feline companion as well as urinary infections. When Zeo and Onyx were kittens we had them on Medical's Development formula. We then switched to Dental and I wanted to find something more natural. Here is just one of many sites that gives good information about pet food: http://www.acreaturecomfort.com/cathealth.htm
and one to help you choose the best cat food:
http://www.a-house-full-of-cats.com/bestcatfood.html
In the past we have had them on Oven Baked Tradition--my favourite because it is natural and grain-free. It also kept them full much more than other brands. The only downfall was that I could only get at the Sandy Hill Pet Food Coop, so we opted on putting them on Holistic Blend which I would still use, in wet form, if Zeo had not been diagnosed with a problem we now need to prevent.
We know you are not supposed to change your pet's food often but we were forced to make concessions since our local pet store closed. Ugh. I am happy that now we can go somewhere to get their food; know they will have some in stock and it is in our local town. There is nothing more frustrating than realizing they are very nearly close to being out of food and that you have to drive all the way into town to get some. We live half and hour from the city so it is not always convenient and cost-effective to have to drive all the way up for one item. We had been trying to find a brand with a formula we could live and now we can.
I hope you have found this post informative.
There is nothing we wouldn't do for our feline children! ;)
For more information on urinary tracts disease:
http://www.marvistavet.com/html/body_feline_lower_urinary_tract_dis.html
Veterinary Exlusive Urinary So:
http://www.medi-cal.ca/diets/diets.php?diet=38
Some personally recommended grain-free, no by product cat-food:
http://www.holisticblend.com/
http://www.ovenbakedtradition.com/en/nourriture-chats.html
***Comment From Sophie B (vet tech):
Wet food is more important for male neutered cats because they don't spray like intact cats, the crystals don't get eliminated. Wet food helps by adding more water to the diet.
Medi-Cal Dental is a great diet because it helps your animal's teeth however it is high in fat compared to the other food. I would recommend using it as a treat rather than a main platter.
Ash is definitely something you want to watch out for, the less ash in the food the better. Ash is, if I recall correctly, the minerals that are incinerated to a fine powder, and whatever that remains is added to the food.
Another good option to help relieve urinary tract infections are treats with cranberries in it or a diluted cranberry juice.
Procrastination: Enemy of my State
Ah yes... my most loathsome enemy. Why oh why are creative types more prone to procrastination? Note to self: I must research the probability of procrastination as a reaction to creativity. In my defense, I do have a reason for not posting in the last 3 days. It was my birthday weekend and I had a sick baby boy cat (which I will post about separately).
This brings me to one of the reasons for starting this blog: I need to keep an eye on myself. I am naturally a type-A personality. I always need to be busy. I constantly have new projects on the go but I don't always tend to finish them. I chock it up to my self-diagnosed ADD. I get tired of things quickly and move onto the next challenge. Seeing as how this is a new decade in my life, I want to be more focused on completing my projects. This blogging as well is a project which I have taken in on to force myself to keep a log of my daily progress in my projects as well as writing more regularly. The first project I must put at number one priority is getting our thank you cards done and sent for our wedding. I know, I know. It should have been done around Yule since the wedding was on Halloween. I do have an excuse though. I had an art box project for Cube gallery in November which I needed to create and then 2 more exhibitions at Arbor Gallery in late January and Valentine's day. With running the U of O art store 4 days a week and teaching 3 classes, well, I was busy. So, now I have to get cracking on the thank yous. It is a bit of a longer process since I am making a special little gift for everyone instead of a card. Top secret! Those of you who have attended our very special day will see them hopefully before September. lol Fortunately, you have technically a year from the wedding to get the thank you cards out. I'm still on time!
Next, it will be choosing our wedding photos. We have so many to choose from! And I have a scrapbook to put together. It will be so freaking cool too! But I am being pulled to pick up my tattoo machine. I bought the whole kit and ordered and online course. What am I waiting for??? So, now that I've said all this, I should get to my mandatory stationary bike for my 10km drive-- another thing I need to keep up. Oh I know some of you know exactly what I'm talking about! lol
Off to sweat I go! talk to you soon! ;)
This brings me to one of the reasons for starting this blog: I need to keep an eye on myself. I am naturally a type-A personality. I always need to be busy. I constantly have new projects on the go but I don't always tend to finish them. I chock it up to my self-diagnosed ADD. I get tired of things quickly and move onto the next challenge. Seeing as how this is a new decade in my life, I want to be more focused on completing my projects. This blogging as well is a project which I have taken in on to force myself to keep a log of my daily progress in my projects as well as writing more regularly. The first project I must put at number one priority is getting our thank you cards done and sent for our wedding. I know, I know. It should have been done around Yule since the wedding was on Halloween. I do have an excuse though. I had an art box project for Cube gallery in November which I needed to create and then 2 more exhibitions at Arbor Gallery in late January and Valentine's day. With running the U of O art store 4 days a week and teaching 3 classes, well, I was busy. So, now I have to get cracking on the thank yous. It is a bit of a longer process since I am making a special little gift for everyone instead of a card. Top secret! Those of you who have attended our very special day will see them hopefully before September. lol Fortunately, you have technically a year from the wedding to get the thank you cards out. I'm still on time!
Next, it will be choosing our wedding photos. We have so many to choose from! And I have a scrapbook to put together. It will be so freaking cool too! But I am being pulled to pick up my tattoo machine. I bought the whole kit and ordered and online course. What am I waiting for??? So, now that I've said all this, I should get to my mandatory stationary bike for my 10km drive-- another thing I need to keep up. Oh I know some of you know exactly what I'm talking about! lol
Off to sweat I go! talk to you soon! ;)
Friday, July 23, 2010
Day 1: The early hours of a new year
Yesterday was my birthday. I am thirty. It was a nice day actually. Very warm with a nice breeze. Although I don't much care for the blistering heat this time of the year affords us here, I was pleasantly surprised at how comfortable it was. My day started out as it usually does during the summer.
Between happy birthday phone calls and quick checkups on my Facebook page to see the many well wishes from friends and acquaintances, my husband brought our car to pass our drive-clean test (with crossed fingers). Of course we waited until the very last minute since we were expecting having to pay for repairs. Well, wouldn't you know it? The damn thing actually passed! Happy birthday to me! So, we proceeded to the mandatory license plate renewal. Yay. Fun times. But this is how most birthdays are after 25. And that's fine. I don't mind a quiet get together with friends. Actually I much prefer that. The long weekends of birthday debauchery don't last forever. That is more of the honeymoon phase of birthdays. As you get older, birthdays mean something completely different. They are more a time to reflect on your passed year and what you are expecting for the next one. And then it happens. It is like a knot in the pit of your stomach waiting to swallow you from the inside out. You are not sure what is happening because it starts to creep up on you every year in your late twenties, menacing, it takes a juicy bite of all your regrets and leaves you with the taste of bile lingering on the tip of your tongue... because you should be grateful, content, proud of what you have done and how far you have come. But if we are being honest here, although we do feel the enticing plea of our own positivity at looking at the glass half full, we can't help but weigh our progress according to certain cultural---and dare I say it, ugh--mainstream standards. I have never been one to do what was expected of me. I've always striven to be true to myself. Integrity is important. Even after all my years of walking to the beat of my own drum, I can't help but get callouses on my heels and blisters on my toes. So why all this pressure at thirty? What is it about this number that makes people, even me nervous? Is it the public pressure put on us from an early age to know what we want to be, who we want to be and be what we have always dreamed to become? How does one number manage to have so many implications? Some of you are probably thinking that something as trivial as the numbers tacked onto the years of your life experience are merely trivial. You are right. It should be. Even so, there is something uncanny about changing decades. We can't help but take stock. And yes, many of us are content... but this is not just about being content. Not for me. I yearn to learn more and understand better the world in which I live. For some, the 'content' button is just not part of our genetic makeup.
First, I should probably make something very clear: I am happy. I have a wonderful husband, a supportive family and fantastic friends. I am a practicing visual artist and part-time teacher. I had a truly life-altering education and I owe much of my growth to some exceptional mentors. I have met many people who will forever leave a mark on my soul. I have learned through many years of being myself, to learn who I am. But still... there is that annoying tap-tap tapping on my biological door. The clock is ticking and we must be honest. As fast as ten years have passed from the age of twenty to the age of thirty, the next decades of my life will roll along with a fury. So the most responsible and rational thing to do is plan. But something is different now when I hear that word: plan. Hmmm. It is simple enough to write out my dreams; weigh the pros and cons, assess logically what my next step should be. But that is only theory. Like most people of our generation, my parents have always encouraged me to follow my heart's desires. We are told that if we work hard and want it enough, it will happen. So we put our theories into practice. Unlike our baby- boomer parents, we have more options. Too many options. We work hard but unfortunately, things don't happen in a straight line. Like the roots that keep us grounded to our past, our future is a web of tangled possibilities. Sure you can go the safe route and have a vacuum-sealed meal of a life. You can opt for the cookie-cutter package. If you fit this example, this blog may not be for you. No, this is for the many of us who feel we have not yet "got there" are "on our way there", just trying to "find what's out there" and for the few who have the guts to admit it.
Besides envy, the only other feeling most of us would never dream to admit to others, let alone ourselves is that we feel---another ugly word-- unsuccessful. For shame! If you happen to find yourself fantasizing what your life would have been like had you chosen to go abroad that summer instead of being responsible and taking that part-time crap job at the local diner. I'm sure by now, you are thinking that success is relative. I could not agree more. BUT, let's not forget, this is about becoming thirty. When you think of what you 'should' have at thirty and you realize that you don't put value into mainstream ideals, well you can sometimes feel lost. Of course, we are our worst enemies. We judge ourselves much too harshly most of the time. And this is about overcoming that.
My most passionate years were my twenties. I would cry with delight at the beauty captured and developed under my eyes in the darkroom. I would sit and muse for hours about philosophies, theories and ideas that I found fascinating and still do. Although I still do these things, something has changed. The way I feel about it has changed, I have changed. As you get older, the fire no longer rages but burns more steadily and flickers and spits once in a while. This has been the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. At the closing of my twenties, the things that once where the center of my life are being challenge. And it is terrifying. The one thing I do know for sure is that I am an artist. What I will do with that is still yet to be determined. That is the unstable path I chose. I have many possibilities. The hardest part is choosing one. And this brings me to the purpose of these writings. For too many years, I have been wondering and wandering. I have procrastinated with some projects and abandoned others. This year, in honour of this convoluted age which we so lovingly refer to as "dirty 30", I want to return to writing. I have always written; stories, thoughts and especially poetry have been my way of making sense of the world. I have grown a lot from my years of creating with words and I want to find that balance again, an inner peace. As a visual artist, I have always striven to create works of art that communicate to the viewer and help them live through certain emotions. I have been keeping to myself for too long. There are many changes I hope to bring to my life and I am hoping that committing to writing everyday will be able to serve as a vehicle to encourage me to break free from personal restraint. If I strike a chord within any of you while doing it, bonus!
Between happy birthday phone calls and quick checkups on my Facebook page to see the many well wishes from friends and acquaintances, my husband brought our car to pass our drive-clean test (with crossed fingers). Of course we waited until the very last minute since we were expecting having to pay for repairs. Well, wouldn't you know it? The damn thing actually passed! Happy birthday to me! So, we proceeded to the mandatory license plate renewal. Yay. Fun times. But this is how most birthdays are after 25. And that's fine. I don't mind a quiet get together with friends. Actually I much prefer that. The long weekends of birthday debauchery don't last forever. That is more of the honeymoon phase of birthdays. As you get older, birthdays mean something completely different. They are more a time to reflect on your passed year and what you are expecting for the next one. And then it happens. It is like a knot in the pit of your stomach waiting to swallow you from the inside out. You are not sure what is happening because it starts to creep up on you every year in your late twenties, menacing, it takes a juicy bite of all your regrets and leaves you with the taste of bile lingering on the tip of your tongue... because you should be grateful, content, proud of what you have done and how far you have come. But if we are being honest here, although we do feel the enticing plea of our own positivity at looking at the glass half full, we can't help but weigh our progress according to certain cultural---and dare I say it, ugh--mainstream standards. I have never been one to do what was expected of me. I've always striven to be true to myself. Integrity is important. Even after all my years of walking to the beat of my own drum, I can't help but get callouses on my heels and blisters on my toes. So why all this pressure at thirty? What is it about this number that makes people, even me nervous? Is it the public pressure put on us from an early age to know what we want to be, who we want to be and be what we have always dreamed to become? How does one number manage to have so many implications? Some of you are probably thinking that something as trivial as the numbers tacked onto the years of your life experience are merely trivial. You are right. It should be. Even so, there is something uncanny about changing decades. We can't help but take stock. And yes, many of us are content... but this is not just about being content. Not for me. I yearn to learn more and understand better the world in which I live. For some, the 'content' button is just not part of our genetic makeup.
First, I should probably make something very clear: I am happy. I have a wonderful husband, a supportive family and fantastic friends. I am a practicing visual artist and part-time teacher. I had a truly life-altering education and I owe much of my growth to some exceptional mentors. I have met many people who will forever leave a mark on my soul. I have learned through many years of being myself, to learn who I am. But still... there is that annoying tap-tap tapping on my biological door. The clock is ticking and we must be honest. As fast as ten years have passed from the age of twenty to the age of thirty, the next decades of my life will roll along with a fury. So the most responsible and rational thing to do is plan. But something is different now when I hear that word: plan. Hmmm. It is simple enough to write out my dreams; weigh the pros and cons, assess logically what my next step should be. But that is only theory. Like most people of our generation, my parents have always encouraged me to follow my heart's desires. We are told that if we work hard and want it enough, it will happen. So we put our theories into practice. Unlike our baby- boomer parents, we have more options. Too many options. We work hard but unfortunately, things don't happen in a straight line. Like the roots that keep us grounded to our past, our future is a web of tangled possibilities. Sure you can go the safe route and have a vacuum-sealed meal of a life. You can opt for the cookie-cutter package. If you fit this example, this blog may not be for you. No, this is for the many of us who feel we have not yet "got there" are "on our way there", just trying to "find what's out there" and for the few who have the guts to admit it.
Besides envy, the only other feeling most of us would never dream to admit to others, let alone ourselves is that we feel---another ugly word-- unsuccessful. For shame! If you happen to find yourself fantasizing what your life would have been like had you chosen to go abroad that summer instead of being responsible and taking that part-time crap job at the local diner. I'm sure by now, you are thinking that success is relative. I could not agree more. BUT, let's not forget, this is about becoming thirty. When you think of what you 'should' have at thirty and you realize that you don't put value into mainstream ideals, well you can sometimes feel lost. Of course, we are our worst enemies. We judge ourselves much too harshly most of the time. And this is about overcoming that.
My most passionate years were my twenties. I would cry with delight at the beauty captured and developed under my eyes in the darkroom. I would sit and muse for hours about philosophies, theories and ideas that I found fascinating and still do. Although I still do these things, something has changed. The way I feel about it has changed, I have changed. As you get older, the fire no longer rages but burns more steadily and flickers and spits once in a while. This has been the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. At the closing of my twenties, the things that once where the center of my life are being challenge. And it is terrifying. The one thing I do know for sure is that I am an artist. What I will do with that is still yet to be determined. That is the unstable path I chose. I have many possibilities. The hardest part is choosing one. And this brings me to the purpose of these writings. For too many years, I have been wondering and wandering. I have procrastinated with some projects and abandoned others. This year, in honour of this convoluted age which we so lovingly refer to as "dirty 30", I want to return to writing. I have always written; stories, thoughts and especially poetry have been my way of making sense of the world. I have grown a lot from my years of creating with words and I want to find that balance again, an inner peace. As a visual artist, I have always striven to create works of art that communicate to the viewer and help them live through certain emotions. I have been keeping to myself for too long. There are many changes I hope to bring to my life and I am hoping that committing to writing everyday will be able to serve as a vehicle to encourage me to break free from personal restraint. If I strike a chord within any of you while doing it, bonus!
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